I once had the good fortune to work for a while in Hawaii. Of course when you get a job in an exotic place every relative and friend finds a way to visit with you. As a matter of fact, you find that you have more relatives and friends than you ever knew.

So, that’s how it happened on a Sunday that an aged relative was visiting and had gone with the children and the babysitter to the beach. Being tired, I decided to stay at the house and read the funnies and relax (I was working 6 days a week). As I was reading the funnies there was an earthquake. Having lived around the ring of fire all of my life, I was used to earthquakes. I thought that it might be a good time to go down to the beach. So off I went.

When I got there the children were playing on the sand with the babysitter and the aged relative was in the water waving at me. I waved back, put my towel down, and started putting on some tanning lotion. I looked up and the aged relative was still waving, but with both hands. At that moment, I had an epiphany: I realized that the “earthquake” had been a volcano going off, that there must a riptide and that my aged relative was in distress. I ran to the water and jumped in swimming as fast as I could.

At the same time and parallel to me a tanned and muscled young specimen of the male of the species jumped in the water. We were both headed for the aged relative. The young muscled specimen got there first. I started treading water as I watched the young man take my relative to the shore. He proceeded to give her mouth-to-mouth and I could see that all was well.

Now, at this point, I should explain that I used to like to swim in the ocean, but I didn’t like to put my feet down. “You never know what’s down there. Oh, no, I’ll tread water forever rather than step on something squishy,” I would say when asked. So, there I was treading water when I realized that the figures on the beach were getting smaller. I was caught in riptide! I looked over my shoulder and could swear that I could see the next island and, looking back, I could see that the people on the shore were getting smaller and smaller.

So, I started waving with both my arms while treading away. I could only think of my poor little children: orphans in the storm. What would happen to them? What had I accomplished in my life? Had I been a good person? How would my children remember me? Would they remember me? I started waving frantically now.

Suddenly a tanned and muscled youth jumped in and start swimming toward me. He swam very fast and got to me very quick. Then, as he got close he said the words I would never forget, “Stand up asshole.” Reluctantly, I put my feet down and the water came to my chest. If I had been able to get over my “squish” phobia earlier I would have known this already. When the waves came in they were over my head, but as they went out the water was only a few feet deep. The young man took my hand and walked me, with obvious disdain, to the shore. No mouth-to-mouth, no concerned passers-by. Just humiliation. My children were doubled over with laughter.

There is a lesson to be learned here: if you’re in a sea of trouble, and you think you might just drown; stand up asshole and walk to the shore. That’ll be my epitaph.

I no longer swim in the ocean. ‘Nuff said.

The picture is the sunrise in Hana, Maui.